My upbringing was difficult. In my family, many things were missing that today, as a mother, I recognize to be of extraordinary importance. I think primarily of safety and love, and now that I have met brothers and sisters in the Church, I see how important a community led by faith in Christ is.
In addition to toxic family dynamics, arguments, fights, outbursts of anger, drunkenness, and drug use, I was also exposed to sexual abuse. That is a burden that I carried alone until I was 21, because it was unimaginable to confide in or speak out about it to anyone. This did not have a good effect on my mental state, which became so bad that I spent my younger years making bad and reckless decisions. Because I was so consumed with shame and guilt, I always tried to cover up the truth with lies and pretended to be someone I wasn't.
I lost my identity in those lies because I wanted to escape the fact that I was broken, wounded, and I felt like dark thoughts were the only food for my mind. I also had frequent panic attacks, suicidal thoughts, and I tried to cover up and dull my reality with bad lifestyle habits.
That's when I started to hit rock bottom. Depressive episodes and the desire to not exist became my daily routine, and I must admit that they did not decrease even when I became a mother - when I thought I finally had something to live for. It took me a long time, but little by little I started to find myself in situations that I felt were right. I changed my job and met my wonderful friend and (today) sister Mirela, who prayed for me even when it didn't make sense to me (it was neither pleasant nor attractive for me to engage in prayer). She was the one who took me with her to a super fun workshop "Moms for Moms" where, instead of fun, I heard the testimony of a young woman (she came with a team from America last summer) who had gone through a similar situation. Of course, it was precisely ME that needed to hear that, because it encouraged me to come back to the Movie Pub and find out more. The night I came back, I was listening to spiritual music and crying... When the band finished playing, a man from the band came up to me and introduced himself. He wanted to talk to me and his words touched my heart and my mind. We prayed together, and I felt like I was really leaving all my sins behind and could live free from all suffering. I felt like I could live again.
The team invited me here to Radićeva for an evening of worship and from that day when I came, I have felt like I should be here, and that God is working in my life and in my heart.
I finally have love for myself and for others because I’m relying on God, and because of Him I am strong. It is because of His grace that I am here today.
My life after conversion is not at all perfect or ideal, in fact sometimes it's even more difficult for me now that I know who I'm walking with, and I don't want to let Him down. But I know that this is the path I’m choosing, so that one day I will be in His presence, and I am so glad that I’ve had the opportunity to see it.
I would like to read a short passage from Acts that has guided me through the writing of my testimony:
Now get up and stand on your feet. I have appeared to you to appoint you as a servant and as a witness of what you have seen and will see of me. I will rescue you from your own people and from the Gentiles. I am sending you to them to open their eyes and turn them from darkness to light, and from the power of Satan to God, so that they may receive forgiveness of sins and a place among those who are sanctified by faith in me.
Acts 26:16-18 NIV
