We were married for 5 years and we desperately wanted a baby. The Lord made our wish come true and we had a beautiful baby, our son Jakov. Even though the pregnancy was problematic and Jakov was born early, eventually it was all okay.
Just before Jakov turned 1, I got pregnant again. My husband and I were a bit surprised because it took us pretty long to conceive Jakov and then this pregnancy came quickly. However this time it was really hard – I was always tired and some days I felt unsure if I'd even survive the day. In week 12 of my pregnancy I experienced bleeding. I wasn't glad it was happening, it scared me a lot! I couldn’t stay indifferent, especially because of the fact that I work with children with special needs and I witnessed similar testimonies from mothers of the children I work with.
As a believer I tried surrendering all my fears to God in faith because He knows why certain things happen and why something has to happen. It seemed to me that I was more ready to give birth to a child with special needs than lose my child. But unfortunately, the second thing happened.
Up until that moment I was sure God wouldn’t allow me to go through that – I mean, why would He? After all, I’m His protected child and because He knows me better than anyone else, He knows I wouldn’t be able to survive something like that. But especially because He does know me better than anyone else, He allowed this to happen in week 12 of my pregnancy. I experienced the loss of a child and I was overcome with strong grief. I asked God so many questions, but for a long time He gave me no answer. This was my first experience of this kind, but not the only one. About a year later a similar story happened again – pregnancy test positive, great joy and excitement, but also fear of how it all would be and if it would be successful this time. In week 6 the bleeding started. We hurried to see the doctor who then told us the sad news that the child is gone.
That same feeling of emptiness and great grief again. So many questions came to my mind: “God, why again? Don’t you know I can’t handle this? Not again. Maybe you don’t want us to have more kids, but why am I becoming pregnant again then...?” Endless questions, no answers.
Along with my husband, one of my biggest supporters in this tough period of life was my dear and really good friend Ljiljana. Even though we didn’t know each other long, our friendship was special and led by God. The Lord gave me comfort through her and His words of encouragement. Because of her comfort I started to read His word more and to truly believe it and live it out. The verses Ljiljana showed me were from the Old Testament, and I clung to one of them all the time: “They shall not labor in vain or bear children for calamity, for they shall be the offspring of the blessed of the Lord, and their descendants with them. Before they call I will answer; while they are yet speaking I will hear” Isaiah 65:23-24
These words marked the spiritual battle we were fighting for our second (fourth) child. When I became pregnant again I reminded God daily of His Word, but apart from Him, the enemy heard me as well. The victory was won, and even though there were many attacks from the enemy and continuous problems during my pregnancy, I stood firm in faith because I knew that the past 2 experiences were behind us.
Our beautiful daughter Julija Ana was born. She loves the Lord and has so many questions about Him, and is ready to receive the answers. Nowadays children are exposed to the attacks of the enemy more than ever. They’re being tempted and attacked from all sides, but this verse from Isaiah stands over our kids, Jakov and Julija Ana. As their parents we believe they will stand firm in faith and one day decide to follow Jesus Christ.
The Lord knows why He allowed me to go through all of this, but today I am thankful. I got to know Him better, learned to use His word in daily battles and became more aware of my strength in Him. I know my God will never give me more than I can handle and He gives me an opportunity to share the testimony of His victory with many others.
